What's Going To Kill Me

I wish I could say my depression was something like you see in movies. 

The kind where the beautiful girl sits alone and cries while everyone around her is puzzled because they all know how beautiful and important she is. 

Where all of her pain and tears become laughter and smiles. 

Tragic, but curable.

 My depression is ugly and hopeless.

 It's sitting awake in a dark room at four in the morning with nothing but your thoughts while the walls close in on you.

 It's crying in the shower so no one knows or asks questions.

 It's hearing "just be happy" like you haven't tried. 

It's breathing a sigh of relief when the blade finally slides across unmarked patches of skin and watching beads of blood bloom in a perfect little line. 

It's finding comfort in the darkest of moments because maybe, just maybe, someone else will feel the way you do for a while. 

It's living everyday in a hell you can't escape because your own mind created it. 

My depression isn't the kind of thing that people romanticize. 

It's the kind of thing that if others could experience it would wish I were gone just as much as I do.

It's what's destroyed me.

It's what's going to kill me.

Death Wish

I've never thought very highly of death

It's so permanent and uncertain.

But I find myself thinking of it more and more often

I fantasize about how my blood would feel slipping out of my veins

Across my pale, scarred skin.

About how my vision would pulse in and out with my ever fading heartbeat

How I might finally feel relief,

How I might feel worse,

How I might not feel anything at all.

And all of those possibilities terrify me, yet I can't help but romanticize it.

I want to experience a moment where I'm consumed by only one thought.

One moment that is purely about me and how I feel.

Not about tomorrow's problems,

Not someone else and their feelings.
Just me and whatever death holds...

Could It Be Fate?

Sky has finally broken and
Tears fall from her cloudy, gray eyes
Thunder claps his enormous hands
In a booming celebration
And Lightning lashes out
Striking anything he can

But why

For us

You see, Sky cries

For the time we've wasted

Thunder claps for he knows what we can be

 And it's beautiful

And Lightning, well, he's angry

 Because we've chosen to ignore our opportunities

 The universe wants us together

And maybe we want that too

But maybe we're scared of the what ifs

Or maybe it's the fear of losing one another

But I think,

Despite our fears,

We need to cheer up Sky

Calm Lightning

And thank Thunder

Most of all,

we need to try

Because who are we to go against fate

?

Careful

At this point I think careful only applies to sex because my heart has been thrown into the ring and it’s losing...

And the Mask Comes Off...

Shoulders trembling
From the sobs that wrack my body.
Tears slip from my cheeks,
Only to fall on the blade that
Shreds my skin.

I used to be able to pretend,

That everything was okay,

but lately, I just can't. 

I can't take it anymore.

The facade has finally shattered.

And despite that,

You still ignore 

What's right in front of you.

You continue to let me suffer,

In silence eternal.

"It's getting worse and I'm just so broken. 

I'm completely submerged, with no sense of direction. 

No idea how to keep my head above the water."

Today Was The Day

Today was the day 

I finally put the blade down

I stopped halfway through a cut, and put it down.

Not because I wanted to

Not because I didn't feel like I needed to

Not because I felt all better

But because I couldn't feel it anymore.

I have become numb

Numb to the one thing that can always make me feel better

Numb to the one thing that gave me control

Numb to the numbness

Today was the day 

I finally put the blade down

I stopped halfway through a cut, and put it down...

Do You Know?

Whispered secrets

Happy songs

Ominous sounds

 

Interesting facts

Screams of rage

Loving words

Intriguing stories

Shushed laughs

Tantalizing notes

Exciting news

New memories

Incessant arguing

Nasty rumors

Gripping poems

?

Drummers

Hundreds of little drummers sit upon my roof

Incessantly pounding the shingles with fervor

They play a song of rage and calm

Happiness and sadness

Uproar and peace

Years and years worth of wars, love, pain, and joy

Falling simultaneously above my head

Rolling swiftly down the slant

Dripping onto the ground

In small drops 

 

Done Hiding

My fingers glide across the keys

Playing notes that touch the very core of my soul

Expressing the pain in a way that only music can

Tears stream down my cheeks as I finally let out my emotions

Pent up for so long because of pride, embarrassment, and fear

I want to be done hiding

So I'm letting it out in one of the only ways I know how

~B.J.E

Drowning

I felt like this needed some sort of intro, but I think I'll just let the words speak for themselves.

"How are you feeling?"

I feel like I'm drowning. I'm scared to ask for help. Partly because of my pride and partly because there's nothing anyone can do to help me. I feel as if all hope has been drained from the world. My plans, dreams, and ambitions have become obsolete. I'm lost. Drowning in a pool of despair and I can't seem to find the surface. And so, I am faced with a choice; Do I give up or keep holding on?

The thing about holding on is that it's hard. It requires work and effort. I have to give it everything I've got. Not only for myself, but for everyone who is depending on me. I have to want to save myself from oblivion. And the question that I pose to myself time and again is, "Would oblivion really be so bad?" And then, eventually, I snap out of it and I become myself again. I realize that oblivion isn't what I truly want and I pick myself up with what strength I have left. 

  It's hard and it hurts like hell, but it's necessary. I survive, despite all the pain and sadness. I break and stumble, but I keep moving because I have to. I have to be strong and tough. I can't let the world get to me, so I put up walls and wait. I wait and wait and I'm alone because no one has tried to get past them. All I want is to know that someone, anyone is on the other side desperately trying to get in. 

I've let myself become so absorbed by the fact that I feel so sad and lonely that I break down, piece by piece until, eventually, I get back to that place where I feel like I'm sinking in that wretched pool of despair. And that's when I finally realized that I've been consumed by it. The cycle has gotten me- become me - and now I can't break free. A prisoner of myself...

"Fine," I say with smile.

*Just a quick note, this is not a suicide note, just something that popped into my head and demanded to be written down.*