Me And My Fucked Up Psyche

Night comes and the quiet and calm of darkness falls over the whole of the city. Everyone settling down with their families to the normalcy of a life well lived, having come so far unscathed. Everyone but me and my fucked up psyche. Instead of sweet dreams and goodnight kisses, I experience that night again and again. My mind falling victim to the memories of abandoned parking lots and inconveniently placed streetlights in a city so far spread that no one would ever hear you scream for help. See, I learned to cope with the pain and to repress even the darkest of memories. I can fake happiness as if I hadn't lost my innocence all too young and been forced into a life of secrets that no one should ever have to keep. Secrets that I never wanted. But eventually, one, two, ten months later my life finally seemed to be getting better. And then cue the lights and raise the curtains because your goddamn audacity is entering stage left. You don't realize this, but you fucked up my chances at ever leading a normal life. I will never get my round of applause as the lights dim and the curtain is closed on this fucked up play we call Life. My beautiful moments from that point forward forever tainted by your fingertips sliding over my body and all because I wasn't "convincing" when I told you to stop. When I shoved you off of me. When I pulled away to get you out of me. I wasn't convincing when tears were streaming down my fucking face and blood down my legs. And days later, I wasn't brave enough to tell anyone what you had done. So while the soft spoken reassurances in the small hours of the morning that none of it was my fault is sweet, it's complete and utter bullshit. You see, I could have stopped you and put my mind to rest knowing you couldn't hurt me again, but I didn't. I lacked the courage to bare my pain. To admit that I had made a bad decision that led to worse consequences. I didn't want to tell anyone that one night when I was 17 I was stripped and held down in the back of a car, left to endure the twisted imagination of an insane person. So now I sit awake at night while tears stain my cheeks waiting for day to break and release me from the prison of my own mind where terrible thoughts are chipping away at their cells searching for weak spots; waiting to destroy me.