Drowning

I felt like this needed some sort of intro, but I think I'll just let the words speak for themselves.

"How are you feeling?"

I feel like I'm drowning. I'm scared to ask for help. Partly because of my pride and partly because there's nothing anyone can do to help me. I feel as if all hope has been drained from the world. My plans, dreams, and ambitions have become obsolete. I'm lost. Drowning in a pool of despair and I can't seem to find the surface. And so, I am faced with a choice; Do I give up or keep holding on?

The thing about holding on is that it's hard. It requires work and effort. I have to give it everything I've got. Not only for myself, but for everyone who is depending on me. I have to want to save myself from oblivion. And the question that I pose to myself time and again is, "Would oblivion really be so bad?" And then, eventually, I snap out of it and I become myself again. I realize that oblivion isn't what I truly want and I pick myself up with what strength I have left. 

  It's hard and it hurts like hell, but it's necessary. I survive, despite all the pain and sadness. I break and stumble, but I keep moving because I have to. I have to be strong and tough. I can't let the world get to me, so I put up walls and wait. I wait and wait and I'm alone because no one has tried to get past them. All I want is to know that someone, anyone is on the other side desperately trying to get in. 

I've let myself become so absorbed by the fact that I feel so sad and lonely that I break down, piece by piece until, eventually, I get back to that place where I feel like I'm sinking in that wretched pool of despair. And that's when I finally realized that I've been consumed by it. The cycle has gotten me- become me - and now I can't break free. A prisoner of myself...

"Fine," I say with smile.

*Just a quick note, this is not a suicide note, just something that popped into my head and demanded to be written down.*