What's Going To Kill Me

I wish I could say my depression was something like you see in movies. 

The kind where the beautiful girl sits alone and cries while everyone around her is puzzled because they all know how beautiful and important she is. 

Where all of her pain and tears become laughter and smiles. 

Tragic, but curable.

 My depression is ugly and hopeless.

 It's sitting awake in a dark room at four in the morning with nothing but your thoughts while the walls close in on you.

 It's crying in the shower so no one knows or asks questions.

 It's hearing "just be happy" like you haven't tried. 

It's breathing a sigh of relief when the blade finally slides across unmarked patches of skin and watching beads of blood bloom in a perfect little line. 

It's finding comfort in the darkest of moments because maybe, just maybe, someone else will feel the way you do for a while. 

It's living everyday in a hell you can't escape because your own mind created it. 

My depression isn't the kind of thing that people romanticize. 

It's the kind of thing that if others could experience it would wish I were gone just as much as I do.

It's what's destroyed me.

It's what's going to kill me.

Death Wish

I've never thought very highly of death

It's so permanent and uncertain.

But I find myself thinking of it more and more often

I fantasize about how my blood would feel slipping out of my veins

Across my pale, scarred skin.

About how my vision would pulse in and out with my ever fading heartbeat

How I might finally feel relief,

How I might feel worse,

How I might not feel anything at all.

And all of those possibilities terrify me, yet I can't help but romanticize it.

I want to experience a moment where I'm consumed by only one thought.

One moment that is purely about me and how I feel.

Not about tomorrow's problems,

Not someone else and their feelings.
Just me and whatever death holds...

One Man's Struggle, One Girl's Downfall

I've never had many regrets in life. I like to look at the things that happen as building blocks. All interlocking to make me the person I'm meant to be, but there is one night that, looking back, I would change everything. And that was the night that I saved my rapist's life... At the time I didn't know who he would turn out to be. It felt right, like the only choice. But now that I know what his part in my story is, I desperately want to edit him out. You see I could have altered my entire course. Avoided one of the most traumatic events of my life, and maybe even the severe depression I occasionally suffer from. But I chose to help and offer solace to a lost soul... I never thought I could be capable of such thoughts, but as it turns out, I wish I would have let the fucker die...

Superpowers

As a kid I always thought it would be cool to have superpowers.
And the one I always wished for was invisibility.
I just thought it would be fun.

But then I grew up and forgot all about them.

Life started getting harder and harder and recently it seems impossible.

I keep asking for help,

Crying out for it really,

And yet no one seems to hear me.

Maybe I really am invisible.

And maybe it's not as fun as I thought.

The Lucky Ones

We rise and fall,
Live and learn,
And, if we're lucky, we love.
You see, the fortunate few give us all hope;
Hope that true love awaits us all.
And I'm sure that it does.
The question is will we find it in our lifetime,
Or will we walk through this cruel world alone;
Rising and falling,
Living and learning,
But never loving?

Wanna See?

The truth will set you free, huh?

I told the truth, except, I lost everything I valued.

I lost you, your trust, your love...

I'm sorry.

I know you probably hate me.

It's okay, because I hate me too.

I have the scars to prove it.

Wanna see?

It's All Wrong

They say the key to any relationship is give and take.
Well, I'm giving.
You're taking.
Nothing is working.
We aren't doing this right.

Could It Be Fate?

Sky has finally broken and
Tears fall from her cloudy, gray eyes
Thunder claps his enormous hands
In a booming celebration
And Lightning lashes out
Striking anything he can

But why

For us

You see, Sky cries

For the time we've wasted

Thunder claps for he knows what we can be

 And it's beautiful

And Lightning, well, he's angry

 Because we've chosen to ignore our opportunities

 The universe wants us together

And maybe we want that too

But maybe we're scared of the what ifs

Or maybe it's the fear of losing one another

But I think,

Despite our fears,

We need to cheer up Sky

Calm Lightning

And thank Thunder

Most of all,

we need to try

Because who are we to go against fate

?

Careful

At this point I think careful only applies to sex because my heart has been thrown into the ring and it’s losing...

And the Mask Comes Off...

Shoulders trembling
From the sobs that wrack my body.
Tears slip from my cheeks,
Only to fall on the blade that
Shreds my skin.

I used to be able to pretend,

That everything was okay,

but lately, I just can't. 

I can't take it anymore.

The facade has finally shattered.

And despite that,

You still ignore 

What's right in front of you.

You continue to let me suffer,

In silence eternal.

"It's getting worse and I'm just so broken. 

I'm completely submerged, with no sense of direction. 

No idea how to keep my head above the water."