What's Going To Kill Me

I wish I could say my depression was something like you see in movies. 

The kind where the beautiful girl sits alone and cries while everyone around her is puzzled because they all know how beautiful and important she is. 

Where all of her pain and tears become laughter and smiles. 

Tragic, but curable.

 My depression is ugly and hopeless.

 It's sitting awake in a dark room at four in the morning with nothing but your thoughts while the walls close in on you.

 It's crying in the shower so no one knows or asks questions.

 It's hearing "just be happy" like you haven't tried. 

It's breathing a sigh of relief when the blade finally slides across unmarked patches of skin and watching beads of blood bloom in a perfect little line. 

It's finding comfort in the darkest of moments because maybe, just maybe, someone else will feel the way you do for a while. 

It's living everyday in a hell you can't escape because your own mind created it. 

My depression isn't the kind of thing that people romanticize. 

It's the kind of thing that if others could experience it would wish I were gone just as much as I do.

It's what's destroyed me.

It's what's going to kill me.

Death Wish

I've never thought very highly of death

It's so permanent and uncertain.

But I find myself thinking of it more and more often

I fantasize about how my blood would feel slipping out of my veins

Across my pale, scarred skin.

About how my vision would pulse in and out with my ever fading heartbeat

How I might finally feel relief,

How I might feel worse,

How I might not feel anything at all.

And all of those possibilities terrify me, yet I can't help but romanticize it.

I want to experience a moment where I'm consumed by only one thought.

One moment that is purely about me and how I feel.

Not about tomorrow's problems,

Not someone else and their feelings.
Just me and whatever death holds...

Me And My Fucked Up Psyche

Night comes and the quiet and calm of darkness falls over the whole of the city. Everyone settling down with their families to the normalcy of a life well lived, having come so far unscathed. Everyone but me and my fucked up psyche. Instead of sweet dreams and goodnight kisses, I experience that night again and again. My mind falling victim to the memories of abandoned parking lots and inconveniently placed streetlights in a city so far spread that no one would ever hear you scream for help. See, I learned to cope with the pain and to repress even the darkest of memories. I can fake happiness as if I hadn't lost my innocence all too young and been forced into a life of secrets that no one should ever have to keep. Secrets that I never wanted. But eventually, one, two, ten months later my life finally seemed to be getting better. And then cue the lights and raise the curtains because your goddamn audacity is entering stage left. You don't realize this, but you fucked up my chances at ever leading a normal life. I will never get my round of applause as the lights dim and the curtain is closed on this fucked up play we call Life. My beautiful moments from that point forward forever tainted by your fingertips sliding over my body and all because I wasn't "convincing" when I told you to stop. When I shoved you off of me. When I pulled away to get you out of me. I wasn't convincing when tears were streaming down my fucking face and blood down my legs. And days later, I wasn't brave enough to tell anyone what you had done. So while the soft spoken reassurances in the small hours of the morning that none of it was my fault is sweet, it's complete and utter bullshit. You see, I could have stopped you and put my mind to rest knowing you couldn't hurt me again, but I didn't. I lacked the courage to bare my pain. To admit that I had made a bad decision that led to worse consequences. I didn't want to tell anyone that one night when I was 17 I was stripped and held down in the back of a car, left to endure the twisted imagination of an insane person. So now I sit awake at night while tears stain my cheeks waiting for day to break and release me from the prison of my own mind where terrible thoughts are chipping away at their cells searching for weak spots; waiting to destroy me.

Society's Views

Final Assignment

Class: Life

Audience: Society

Scars

An Original Piece 

Muse .................................................................................................................................Pain

Medium ...............................................................................................................................Metal

Colors ............................................................................................Red and Copper

Canvas .............................................................................................................................Broken

Results .............................................................................................................................Relief

Comments:  Not good enough, never will be.
Final Grade: FAILURE

Wanna See?

The truth will set you free, huh?

I told the truth, except, I lost everything I valued.

I lost you, your trust, your love...

I'm sorry.

I know you probably hate me.

It's okay, because I hate me too.

I have the scars to prove it.

Wanna see?

And the Mask Comes Off...

Shoulders trembling
From the sobs that wrack my body.
Tears slip from my cheeks,
Only to fall on the blade that
Shreds my skin.

I used to be able to pretend,

That everything was okay,

but lately, I just can't. 

I can't take it anymore.

The facade has finally shattered.

And despite that,

You still ignore 

What's right in front of you.

You continue to let me suffer,

In silence eternal.

"It's getting worse and I'm just so broken. 

I'm completely submerged, with no sense of direction. 

No idea how to keep my head above the water."

Pretty Red Lines

Those pretty red lines didn't just appear

 They were put there intentionally

 On my worst days, in my darkest moments

I don't expect you to understand

 And I would be foolish to hope you could

 After all, that hope is what got me here in the first place.

Tonight

Tonight I saw through the facade.

I saw your pain.

Your struggling.

I couldn't just walk away.

I could never put anyone through that, because I know how it feels.

It only makes things worse.

"What's wrong? 

Why are you so down on yourself?

Don't try to tell me it's nothing. 

I know you better than that."

 You opened up to me.

Something you've never done before.

You told me that you couldn't do it anymore.

That you couldn't stand yourself.

That you thought about ending it all.

And here's what I told you:

"Look, I get it.

I understand how it feels to hate yourself and to never feel good enough.

I know how it feels to constantly wonder if death would be better than living everyday feeling like shit for one reason or another and it sucks.

I know how it feels to always feel alone and like nobody cares about you. 

I also know that you are not a burden on anyone.

And yeah, you might make mistakes, but everyone does and it's okay.

You are one of the brightest and most caring people I know.

You can brighten an entire room just by walking in and it would be a true tragedy if you weren't around anymore.

There are so many people who care about you and love you and who would be devastated to lose you.

I know because I know I would be. 

Please don't let this rough spot stop you from going on and whatever you do, don't forget that you are truly loved."

 Don't give up.

Keep fighting.

One day it's going to get better.

I promise.

Until then, I'm here for you, I promise.

I love you.

More than you'll ever know...

 AC,

If you're reading this, I mean it. I love you. I want to tell you every day, every minute, every second how wonderful you are and that I believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself. I know it isn't ideal, but I hope this proves it just a little more. We don't have the perfect relationship and I doubt we ever will, but we have this and that's enough for me. I've got your back, always. Remember our promise? 

We both know why...

Yours Truly,

Me 

Today Was The Day

Today was the day 

I finally put the blade down

I stopped halfway through a cut, and put it down.

Not because I wanted to

Not because I didn't feel like I needed to

Not because I felt all better

But because I couldn't feel it anymore.

I have become numb

Numb to the one thing that can always make me feel better

Numb to the one thing that gave me control

Numb to the numbness

Today was the day 

I finally put the blade down

I stopped halfway through a cut, and put it down...

You're Not Allowed

You aren't allowed to walk away. 

You can't just leave me and give up. 

It isn't fair, I am doing my damn best to make things work 

And you turned your back on me and told me you were done with me.

You gave up on me over something so stupid and trivial...

 I'm scared of how you'll treat me when you finally know my biggest secrets.

 I don't want to live in fear of accidentally saying something that you won't approve of.

You said that you were just done with both of your kids right now,

But the only part we heard- the only part that matters-

Is that you're done with us.

 I don't doubt you love us, but you don't always show it,

Or at least have a funny way of showing it.

My brother walked away.

Dad didn't intervene.

You walked away.

And here I am.

Surrounded and yet alone, with only one way to escape.

I go to my room, lock the door, and pick up my blade.

I drag the blade along my skin,

Watching as my skin splits apart and blood bubbles to the surface.

The pain brings me back.

Reminds me that it'll all be okay.

I only have one more year until I can walk away

One year until I can be done

One year until I can walk away and you aren't allowed to say anything.

I love you, but this isn't working anymore and something needs to change.