What's Going To Kill Me

I wish I could say my depression was something like you see in movies. 

The kind where the beautiful girl sits alone and cries while everyone around her is puzzled because they all know how beautiful and important she is. 

Where all of her pain and tears become laughter and smiles. 

Tragic, but curable.

 My depression is ugly and hopeless.

 It's sitting awake in a dark room at four in the morning with nothing but your thoughts while the walls close in on you.

 It's crying in the shower so no one knows or asks questions.

 It's hearing "just be happy" like you haven't tried. 

It's breathing a sigh of relief when the blade finally slides across unmarked patches of skin and watching beads of blood bloom in a perfect little line. 

It's finding comfort in the darkest of moments because maybe, just maybe, someone else will feel the way you do for a while. 

It's living everyday in a hell you can't escape because your own mind created it. 

My depression isn't the kind of thing that people romanticize. 

It's the kind of thing that if others could experience it would wish I were gone just as much as I do.

It's what's destroyed me.

It's what's going to kill me.

Wanna See?

The truth will set you free, huh?

I told the truth, except, I lost everything I valued.

I lost you, your trust, your love...

I'm sorry.

I know you probably hate me.

It's okay, because I hate me too.

I have the scars to prove it.

Wanna see?

And the Mask Comes Off...

Shoulders trembling
From the sobs that wrack my body.
Tears slip from my cheeks,
Only to fall on the blade that
Shreds my skin.

I used to be able to pretend,

That everything was okay,

but lately, I just can't. 

I can't take it anymore.

The facade has finally shattered.

And despite that,

You still ignore 

What's right in front of you.

You continue to let me suffer,

In silence eternal.

"It's getting worse and I'm just so broken. 

I'm completely submerged, with no sense of direction. 

No idea how to keep my head above the water."

Pretty Red Lines

Those pretty red lines didn't just appear

 They were put there intentionally

 On my worst days, in my darkest moments

I don't expect you to understand

 And I would be foolish to hope you could

 After all, that hope is what got me here in the first place.

Today Was The Day

Today was the day 

I finally put the blade down

I stopped halfway through a cut, and put it down.

Not because I wanted to

Not because I didn't feel like I needed to

Not because I felt all better

But because I couldn't feel it anymore.

I have become numb

Numb to the one thing that can always make me feel better

Numb to the one thing that gave me control

Numb to the numbness

Today was the day 

I finally put the blade down

I stopped halfway through a cut, and put it down...

You're Not Allowed

You aren't allowed to walk away. 

You can't just leave me and give up. 

It isn't fair, I am doing my damn best to make things work 

And you turned your back on me and told me you were done with me.

You gave up on me over something so stupid and trivial...

 I'm scared of how you'll treat me when you finally know my biggest secrets.

 I don't want to live in fear of accidentally saying something that you won't approve of.

You said that you were just done with both of your kids right now,

But the only part we heard- the only part that matters-

Is that you're done with us.

 I don't doubt you love us, but you don't always show it,

Or at least have a funny way of showing it.

My brother walked away.

Dad didn't intervene.

You walked away.

And here I am.

Surrounded and yet alone, with only one way to escape.

I go to my room, lock the door, and pick up my blade.

I drag the blade along my skin,

Watching as my skin splits apart and blood bubbles to the surface.

The pain brings me back.

Reminds me that it'll all be okay.

I only have one more year until I can walk away

One year until I can be done

One year until I can walk away and you aren't allowed to say anything.

I love you, but this isn't working anymore and something needs to change.